Paying the Piper
by TR-Fanfic
Summary: Mac and Harm deal with her PTSD after she comes to him, and a few realizations are made on the way to making things right.
1. The first step

**Summary: This starts up directly after the end of "Take It Like A Man", you know the episode where Mac is acting crazy with PTSD from killing Sadik Fahd? Yeah, that one. Anyway, it's obviously AU now, but this is what I think should have happened. **

Disclaimer: I don't own JAG, but if I did, I would update the cast pictures more often.

Paying the Piper  
Rated PG  
By TR

Mac pulled away, shielding herself from the earnest expression of his face. Clayton Webb had just told her he loved her. The desperation in his voice was as evident as the stench of alcohol on his breath. His hand still clung to hers, unwilling to let her go. Mac could feel the doubt permeate the air, hanging like a cloud above them. His doubts mirrored hers. She could feel her heart close off to him. She recognized the look on his face. She wouldn't be taken at her word this time. He was too well trained for that. When words conflict with body language, go with the body language. It's a basic rule. And a rule that Clayton Webb knew all too well.

Mac pulled her hand away, and reached for her coat.

"Where are you going?"

She looked up briefly as she slipped her arms into the sleeves. "I have one more apology to make."

Webb stiffened. "You're going to Rabb's aren't you?"

"Yes I am. I've hurt him. I have to make it right."

"What exactly are you going to make right?"

Mac grabbed her purse and headed toward the door. "As much as I possibly can."

Unease hung between them.

Webb walked up close to her. Mac turned to face him. "Sarah you said you loved me."

"Don't make more of this than it is. I have to go."

"How can you say that, then just get up and go to him."

Mac looked up sharply. "Probably the same way that you can sleep with me, and then pull your pants back on and call a cab ten minutes later. And for the record I'm not 'going to him', but I will if you keep this up."

"Is that a threat?"

"No, it's a fact." She replied "And something I should have realized a long time ago." She added to herself.

"Tell me it's unfounded and I'll drop it."

Mac silently stared at the floor.

"You can't can you. You can't tell me I have nothing to be jealous of."

Mac looked him in the eye. "Harm and I have never been more than friends."

"But that's not the way you want it to be is it Sarah?"

"Leave it alone Webb."

"You're supposed to be with me, and you're telling me to leave it alone?" Webb closed his eyes, and took a deep breath, fighting the urge to reach for the bottle on the table. When he opened his eyes to look at her, the fury she saw there had her fighting to stand her ground. "You close your eyes every time I touch you." He said in a low voice.

Mac frowned. "What does that have to do with…?"

In two strides Webb was across the room and had ahold of her arms. "Who do you see Sarah? When it's my hands touching your skin and you're moaning, whose face do you see? Whose hands do you feel?" He tightened his grip, his fingers digging into her shoulders. "They're his hands aren't they? Every time I touch you, you think of him!"

Mac eyes burned with anger, tinged with a hint of guilt. She looked down at his hands on her arms, and then into his eyes. Her voice seeped with warning. "Do you want to keep your hands?" Webb released her.

"That's the second time I've had to tell you to get away from me."

"I'm sorry."

"Touch me like that again and you will be." She told him, and headed once again for the door.

"How does every conversation we have had lately degenerate into a fight. No matter how good it starts, we always end up here."

Mac paused in the open doorway. "Maybe because it's a conversation we're not meant to have."

Webb swallowed. "What does that mean?"

"What do you think it means Webb?" She said, walking out and closing the door behind her.

**TBC…**


	2. Making Apologies

It took her twenty minutes flat to get to Harm s apartment. As she neared the door she heard blues music coming from his stereo. He seemed to always be playing music of some sort lately, perhaps a testament to his efforts to be a happier person, to be free. She wasn t sure, but she liked it. It was so different from the cold shadows of Webb s townhouse. That fact alone made her feel more at ease.

The door was slightly ajar, and Harm was standing in his bare feet mopping the kitchen floor. His Levis where rolled up to just above his ankles, and his white T-shirt was damp. He looked good enough to eat.

"Hey."

Harm looked over his shoulder. "Hey Mac," He answered, setting the mop handle against the counter and wiping his damp hands on his jeans. "What's up?"

Mac picked up the remote and shut off the music. "I came to say I'm sorry."

Harm gave her a small smile. "Didn't you already do that in court?"

"Yeah, I did, but that was just for my comments about Mattie. I mean I'm here to say I' m sorry for everything."

"Oh." He regarded her for a moment before he said, "Apology accepted."

"Thank you."

Silence.

Harm cleared his throat. "You're moving your arm better now. Does it still hurt?"

"Only a little."

"That's good."

He gestured toward the living room and they moved to sit down. He chose the chair next to the couch. Mac cocked her head to the side and smiled at him, as he sat down in the chair, and slung his leg over the arm. His bare foot stuck out below his cuffed pants. He smiled back. "What?"

"Just looking." He blushed. Mac chuckled, set her purse on the table, kicked off her shoes and tucked her feet underneath her. For a moment she stared down at the arm of the couch, brushing imaginary lint from the surface. The lightness was gone. He waited. "Harm, are we still friends?"

"Yes."

The confidence in his voice strengthened her. "Why are we still friends?"

"Because Mac, that s just the way it is." He met her eyes. "That's the way it's always been hasn't it?" He paused, easing in to the answer that she was searching for. "It's our pattern, I get a little crazy, you watch my six, you get a little crazy, I watch your six."

"What happened this time?"

"We BOTH got a little crazy. We didn t have a game plan for that one, so we fell apart."

"We're broken?"

"We were, but we're fixing it."

"We are?"

"Little by little."

"How can you be so certain?"

"Because it takes two sides to keep a war going, and I gave up fighting a long time ago."

Mac paused, recognizing the truth in his statement. Barring anything case related, he hadn t fought her in quite a while. She looked down again; her fingertips traced the seam of the couch cushion. "You were right you know. I am afraid you re losing interest in me. Afraid that you've moved on."

"I have moved on Mac." Her face fell. He continued. "I've moved on from the whole situation. But I'll never move on from you. Try as I might, I've never been able to lose interest in you."

TBC...


	3. The seeds of understanding

"Are you trying to lose interest?"

"Not anymore, it's a lost cause."

Mac's lips briefly curved in a smile. Then it was gone as quickly as it had come. "Harm, what do you see when you look at me?"

"Someone I can't go through life without."

Her eyes widened. "Do you really mean that?"

"Yes."

"Even after everything…?"

"I'm not willing to just throw away 8 years of friendship because you are reacting to a traumatic experience. It's just your turn to get a little crazy, that's all."

"Does that mean you'll watch my six?"

"Yeah I will." He smiled gently at her. "We all lose our way sometimes Mac. I've been through this before, I know the signs."

"That's why you were so quick to forgive."

"Partly."

"Partly?"

"I've been trying to be a more understanding person lately. Mattie has helped me a lot with that."

"I'll have to thank her for that."

Harm gave a small laugh. "Please don't." He pulled his leg down and leaned toward her. "What do you see when you look at yourself, Mac?"

"A stranger."

Harm nodded, understanding all too well what she was going through. "In court you said you wanted me to understand what you had gone through with Sadik Fahd. Do you want to tell me about it now?"

Mac nodded. "I want to tell you, but I don't know where to start."

Harm stood and headed in to the kitchen. "Take your time, I'll be back in a minute."

Exactly a minute later he set a steaming cup of hot cocoa in front of her. It had been her thinking drink of choice since he had known her. Mac smiled. No one knew her like Harm.

"Thanks." She said, lifting the mug and sipping the froth from the top, he had even remembered the cinnamon. She lowered the mug from her lips and took a deep breath. "These last 8 months all I've been able to think about was what might happen if I ever saw Sadik Fahd again. What I would do to him for the pain he's caused the people I care about. What I would say to him…" She paused and lifted the mug again and simply inhaled the scent of spicy chocolate. "When the time came, he didn't put up the fight that I expected. Instead he just made me talk to him. He dug into my head, and found every weakness I've got." She took a sip, and then set the mug down on the table. "He took away the relief that should have come from killing him. Like any decent person would have felt, for taking out a man who had killed and tortured so many innocent people. But I didn't feel that way, I was angry with him for not suffering worse than he did. I beat him with everything I had, and in the end I shot him right between the eyes, and it still wasn't enough. I still wanted to keep on fighting him." She met his eyes; he was leaning toward her listening intently. "Does that make me a terrible person?"

Harm shook his head. "No. It makes you human. I'm not sure that I would have reacted any differently in that situation."

"I don't know about that." Mac pursed her lips together and tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. "From the very beginning he has been affecting my life. Reducing me to someone weak, and impulsive; angry all the time."

"You've done a pretty good job of reining that in."

"You really think so?"

Harm gave her a small smirk. "For the most part. Listen Mac, Sadik Fahd was a horrible horrible man, it makes sense that everything he put you through would affect you that way. It's natural. It doesn't make you weak, or bad, or even wrong. It just makes you human."

"So you understand why I said what I did about Mattie and Sergei? I was still angry, still looking to have the confrontational fight that I never got to have with him. I didn't mean it Harm."

Harm nodded. "Yeah I understand. But I think you did mean it."

Mac's head snapped up. "What…?"

Harm moved to the edge of his seat. "You were too upset to be telling me anything but the truth. You didn't take a second to measure words, you were just telling me what you really think. Especially about me fighting to suck people into my group, only to abandon them later."

"Harm, I never meant to hurt you by saying that…"

"But it's still the way you feel isn't it? I fought to keep you close to me, but when it came down to giving you what you needed, I left you in the lurch."

Mac's eyes widened in surprise. "You do get it, don't you."

"I'm just barely beginning to."

TBC...


	4. The Heart of the Matter

**Harm regarded her for a long moment. "He really affected you that much?**

Mac nodded. "I don't know how he did it. But somehow he ended up controlling everything I did." She met his eyes. "Everything I said."

Harm sat back in his seat. "How did he do that?" 

"He made me feel small; out of control. Like my thoughts weren't even my own. At one point when he was torturing Clay I even knelt down in front of him and begged him to stop. I was at his mercy." 

She paused and took another drink of her cocoa, deciphering exactly how to express the rest of her thoughts. "When you finally got us out of there, I wanted control of my life back. I felt so absolutely helpless. I can't begin to tell you what a relief it was to see you there. To know you were there to take me back to my life, where I called the shots, and things were done on my terms. I wanted to take care of Clay and get him back into the shape he was before Sadik Fahd had ever laid his hands on us. I wanted to make sure that Gunny was safe and out of Sadik's reach. Most of all I wanted to make things work with you. But none of that happened, because I wanted to control everything around me, and I couldn't. I couldn't control your jealousy, even though I told you more than once that there was nothing between Clay and me. I couldn't control the direction of the conversation we were having in that hotel room, because you once again tabled the discussion. I couldn't control Clay's feelings for me, even though I wanted so much to have things just go back to where they were and not complicate things further." 

She looked him in the eye. "Sadik Fahd took away my ability to think things through. All I wanted was for things to go my way, and when they didn't, I gave up. I gave up on us because we both wanted to be in control, and I couldn't live like that. Not then, not when I felt so completely helpless. I needed to have the upper hand. So I put an end to our…whatever we had, and I threw myself into a relationship that I could control. I focused on getting Clay back on his feet. By the time I accomplished that goal, he and I were dating, and my control over that relationship vanished. He was given back his field status and all of the promises he made to me in Paraguay went right out the window. I was now at the mercy of his work schedule. And once again I had no say in the way my life was going. I can't live like that either."

Harm leaned forward and touched her arm. "It's been months since he was put back on field duty, if you were so unhappy with him, why didn't you come to me sooner?"

Mac sighed. "How could I do that, after everything that's happened? I've hurt you enough Harm. You deserve to be happy, and not saddled with my demons."

"Mac…"

"No, listen. Clay told me that you're being unavailable has given me something to hide behind, and he's right about that. I have put all the blame on you for there not being an "us", when really it's my fault. When you make your position clear, I find a way to back away, and then I blame it on you for being emotionally distant from me."

Harm gave her a contemplative look. "Why do you do that Mac?"

Mac took a deep breath; it was the moment of truth. "Because you mean more to me, than anyone or anything ever has in my life. When you really put yourself out there and show me that I mean something to you, it scares me. I can't hurt you Harm. You've been hurt enough. My life has always been so screwed up when it comes to relationships, I can't guarantee that I won't break your heart. No matter how hard I try, it always seems to happen. I don't want to do that to you. No matter how much I love you, I can't subject you to…to me."

Harm leaned forward and stared at the floor for long minutes. Letting everything that she said sink in. Mac sat back and waited, taking tiny sips of cocoa from her mug. He didn't raise his head when he finally spoke. "So you broke my heart, because you were afraid of breaking my heart?"

"Well, I wouldn't say I 'broke your heart'…"

Harm raised his head and looked at her. "I would."

Mac's lips part. "Oh." 

**TBC…**


	5. Laying it on the line

Harm sat up and ran a hand through his hair. "You backed away and went to a man you didn't love because you were afraid of hurting me?"

"You're precious to me Harm. And my head has never been screwed on straight when it comes to men. You even said so yourself."

"I'm not completely blameless either Mac. That was unfair of me to say."

"You were right."

"No I wasn't. You don't give yourself enough credit. Sure you've made past mistakes, but we all have. The main thing is that we learn from them and move on."

"Look at me Harm, I haven't learned a damned thing. I do the same thing all over again, every time."

"Because you're always with the wrong man. What if you were with me? Would that break the pattern?"

"I don't know. I'm not willing to find out right now. No matter how much I love you, I have to get things straightened out in my own mind before I can even come close to having a healthy relationship. And if I ever come to you, I want to come to you whole and strong."

"That's twice you've said it now."

"Said what?"

"That you love me."

She raised her eyebrows, surprised at her own candor. "I guess I did, didn't I."

Harm gave her a gentle smile. "Mac, you seem to think that you loving me makes me weak, but I disagree. The only time since I've known you that I have ever felt weak is when we were separated. When we were at our best, when we were happy just to be in each other's company, I always felt strong." He paused and gave her a smirk. "So you can tell me you don't want to hurt me all you want, the truth is, the only way you can hurt me is to back away."

Mac leaned forward and put her hand on his arm. "Thank you, that means a lot to me. I'm just so afraid. You're such a good man. When you were away from JAG something in you changed. I could see it when I came to talk to you about Caroline's trial. You looked so bitter, and…lost. I couldn't help but think that I was the one responsible for that. You've gotten back to being you again, and I don't want to ruin it."

Harm slid his arm up and took her hand. "Then let me in. The quickest way to ruin me is to shut me out." He gave her hand a squeeze and then released it. "I know you have a lot to work through, but you don't have to do it alone. Am correct in assuming that Webb isn't available to help you with this?"

"He has his own issues to deal with, he can't be bothered with mine."

"Then I want you to promise me something."

"What's that?"

"I want you to let me help you, no matter what you go through, I want to be there." He gave her a look of complete confidence. "I know you're scared. I know you're trying to protect me, but I'm strong, I'm not going to break, and I'm not going to let you hurt me. Push me away all you want, it's not going to work this time."

Mac shifted in her seat. "I don't know if I can do that Harm."

"Why not?"

She moved from the couch and paced away from him. "Because my life is my own. I'm the one who has to work through it, not you. It's just too much…"

Harm came up behind her, and gently turned her to face him. "Are you trying to protect your privacy, or are you trying to protect me?"

"Both."

"Well don't. I can protect myself. Look, I know you can do this on your own, but you just shouldn't have to. You're right Mac, your life is your own. I won't meddle, if you won't bottle it up."

Mac pursed her lips and looked away, torn.

Harm curved his finger under her chin and made her look him in the eye. "I'm only asking that you trust me."

Mac sighed. "How can I do that Harm, when I can't even trust myself?"

"Let me worry about that. I'm not asking you to trust yourself, I'm asking you to trust me."

"Harm I…" She hesitated, indecision marring her features. He looked so sincere, and suddenly she knew she'd rather risk trusting him, than hurt him again by backing away. "Okay." She agreed softly.

Harm smiled warmly. "Thank you."

TBC...


	6. Passing the torch

They moved back to the couch and sat together in companionable silence, until Harm spoke up again.

"What's the plan Mac?"

"The plan?"

"How do you plan on…sorting through the difficulties related to your prior mission?"

Mac smirked at his diplomacy. "You mean, am I going to go back to the shrink?"

Harm chuckled. "Yeah, are you going to go back to the shrink?"

"I think so. I'd love to be able to say that I can deal with all of this without professional help, but I don't really think I can." She cocked her head to the side. "I bet you thought you'd never hear me say something like that did you?"

"Actually it's kind of nice to hear you admit to needing help. You've always been stronger than the rest of us. It's good to know that you're human too."

Mac frowned at him, unsure how to take his comments.

"I mean it Mac. I like that you're reaching out. It gives me the chance to really help you."

Mac raised an eyebrow. "Nice save."

Harm grinned. "I thought so."

Mac reached down and picked up her mug, finished off her now lukewarm chocolate, and then headed to the kitchen. She was standing at the sink rinsing out her mug when she heard a knock at the door. She flinched, preparing herself for the pending confrontation. Harm glanced at her before he answered the door.

Webb's voice drifted in from the doorway. "I'd like to speak to Sarah."

Harm nodded and opened the door further. Webb walked in and swept the room with an appraising eye before he finally looked at Mac. She turned to face him, but stayed behind the island. Minutes went by; neither of them spoke.

Harm interrupted their stubborn stand off, by clearing his throat. "Mac, I think this is a good time to go check on Mattie." Turning to Webb he said, "I'll be back in five minutes."

Webb watched Harm walk out the door, and then turned back to Mac. "I came to tell you that I've been called away again."

Mac sighed. "Do you know how long you'll be gone this time?"

"No. Listen Sarah, I know I haven't been around when you've needed me, and I'm sorry for that, but this is what I do…"

"And I should have realized that before I agreed to be anything other than your friend."

Webb's mouth firmed. "Will it do any good to call you when I get back?"

"Call and let me know that you're safe."

"But nothing more?"

Mac shook her head. "No Clay, nothing more."

Webb's jaw tensed. "This is Rabb's doing isn't it?"

"Leave him out of it, this has nothing to do with Harm. This is about you and me."

"What exactly is it about you and me Sarah?"

Mac raised her hands in frustration. "Everything! I don't know you any better right now than I did when we left for Paraguay. You spouted a lot of bullshit to convince me to be with you, and when you got back on your feet, you left me to wait at home by the phone. I don't even know what part of the world you're in most of the time." She walked around the island and came toe to toe with him. "I can't live that way. I want a family, I want a man who will be there at the end of the day. We started this for the wrong reasons. We're ending it for the right ones."

"You mean YOU'RE ending it."

"Okay I'm ending it. Put it all on me if it makes you feel any better. I did kill Sadik Fahd for what he did to you, you are someone I love, but you aren't someone I can be with."

"Is Rabb someone you can be with?"

"What is it with you? I'm not the prize in a pissing contest between you and Harm! All I know is that I can't be with someone who isn't there when I need him. As for Harm's place in my life, think what you want to think. I'm not doing this because of him, I'm doing this because you have let me down."

Before Webb could respond, Harm cautiously opened the door. "Mind if I come in?"

Mac smiled. "Go ahead, Webb was just leaving."

"Sarah…"

"Be safe Clay." Mac said with finality.

"You too Sarah." Webb turned to Harm. "Take care of her Rabb, it's more than I could do."

Harm extended his hand. "I promise you I will Webb." Webb accepted his hand, and the torch was passed.

When Webb was gone, Harm turned back to Mac. "You okay?"

"Yeah, fine." She replied, heading to the living room to get her purse and shoes. 

"Where are you going?"

"Home, and then…I'm not sure."

"Mac…"

She raised her head, at the concern in his voice. "I'll be fine Harm, I just need some time."

"Don't back away."

"I promised you I wouldn't."

Harm's face showed relief. "Okay, you know where to find me."

"Yeah, I do." He followed her to the door, and she stopped to look back at him. He reached out to touch her arm, and was surprised when she pulled him into her arms. "Thank you," She whispered in his ear.

"Anytime Mac," He replied. As quickly as she'd gone to him, she pulled away and disappeared down the hall.

He didn't hear from her for four days.

TBC...


	7. The healing begins

When Mac returned to JAG, she looked tanned, rested, and pensive. She greeted her co-workers as she normally did before she made her way to her office, if they noticed the change in her demeanor, they didn't let it show.

She smiled when she saw that her inbox was virtually empty. Harm's doing, or the Admiral's, probably both. She set her brief case on the floor next to her desk and hit the button to check her phone messages.

She was literally two seconds into the first message when Harm peeked his head in the door. "Hi."

"Hi," She answered with a smile.

He smiled back as he stepped in and shut the door. "How are you?"

"I'm getting there, how are you?"

"Concerned about you."

"I'll be fine Harm."

"I know you will, but four days is a long time Mac." He paused and briefly looked her over. "You do look like it did you some good."

"It did. And before you ask I went to see Uncle Matt, and then I went to Arizona for a few days."

Harm raised his hands. "It's not my business where you went Mac, as long as it helped."

Mac gave him a thankful nod, and then sighed. "I talked to the Admiral, we agreed that I would be on half days until I have found my footing a little better. I have an appointment with…I have to be at Bethesda by 1630."

"Do you need a ride?"

"No, I can make it."

"Alright, I better get some work done, but I'll be here all day so let me know if you need anything."

Mac's grin almost looked genuine this time. She was getting there, slowly but surely. "I will, thanks."

Harm nodded, and made his way back to his office.

1330 EST

For the twentieth time that day, Mac reached for the phone, only to snatch her hand back. She'd had a difficult time concentrating, and was truly surprised at how much she had actually accomplished while working solely on autopilot.

Her head was elsewhere, namely down the hall from her office, resting on the shoulder of the best friend she'd ever had. The only man who had refused to give up on her. She didn't want to need him this much. She didn't want to need anyone. Her independent nature was already taking a beating, and this was just the beginning. The only thing that ached her worse than her injured pride, was the urge to walk down the hall and cocoon herself in his arms. No, she didn't want to need him, but she did. It was a fact that would have bothered her much more if he were any other man. Harm would never use her need for him against her.

She sat for another few minutes before she finally gave in, gathered her things, and made her way down the hall. He was on the phone when she entered his office. She shut the door and quietly waited for him to finish his call.

Harm placed the receiver in the cradle and smiled up at her. "Hi."

She didn't smile back. "I'm scared."

Harm nodded and came around the desk. He leaned on the corner, coming closer, but allowing her some personal space. "It's going to be alright Mac," He told her gently.

She hesitated for a split second, then simply held out her arms to him. Harm stood up and drew her close. "It's going to be alright," He repeated. "It's okay to be scared. What you're doing is a scary thing. Believe me, I know. This is just one step closer to getting you healthy again."

Mac drew back. "Thank you. I just…don't know what's going to happen, and it's driving me nuts."

"That's to be expected. You always have to have a plan, and we can't map out a mission plan for this one. We're flying by the seat of our pants."

Mac smiled a little. Pondering his use of the word "we". "Well then it's good I've got a pilot on my side isn't it."

Harm laughed. "Well, I'm on your side, that's for sure. Whether or not that's a good thing remains to be seen."

Mac's smile was replaced with an expression of profound thanks. "Harm, it's a good thing." She put her hand on his chest above his heart. "A very good thing."

He placed his hand over hers, squeezing it in encouragement. "You're going to do just fine."

"I hope so," She replied, pulling back and picking up her briefcase. "I'm going to head home for a while before I have to be at my appointment."

"Okay, Mattie has a Volleyball game tonight, but I'll have my cell on the whole time, so don't hesitate…"

Mac nodded. "I'm sure I'll be fine."

"Mac, I mean it. Don't hesitate."

"Okay. I have to go."

"Alright. I'll see you soon."

Mac gave him a small smile, and then walked out of his office. Harm moved around the desk and flopped down into his chair. He ran a hand through his hair, and prayed that she would be okay.


	8. Facing the fear

1830

Harm shifted, trying to make himself comfortable on the hard bleachers. The game was going well. Mattie's team was up two games to one, and if the other team won the current game, they would go to a tiebreaker. The games had been close, and actually fairly entertaining. Mattie was a good player, and watching her play almost distracted him from thinking of Mac. Almost. He sighed and once again checked his cell phone. No messages. The horn sounded and Mattie's team went to the sidelines. He saw Mattie glance up at him and he smiled, giving her a thumb's up. She smiled back, and then pointed toward the door. Harm turned to see Mac at the concession counter buying a corn dog. She turned just as he looked her way, and she smiled and waved at him. He waved back and scooted over, making room for her next to him.

"Hi," She said, still smiling.

"Hi. I didn't expect to see you here."

"I didn't expect to be here, but I figured it was better than sitting at home with the TV. How's her team doing?"

"Really well, if they win this one it's over, if not, they go to a tie breaker."

Mac nodded, dipped her corn dog in the container of extra tartar sauce and took a bite. The sauce gathered around the corners of her mouth and she quickly wiped them with a napkin. She looked over at Harm to find him smirking at her. "What?"

"You look better Mac."

"You always say that when I wear this outfit."

Harm laughed. "I can't argue with you there. Did everything go okay?"

"Actually I couldn't wait to get out of there."

"That bad huh?"

"No, it's just…I've sorted through so much of this already in my head that it all seems so mundane. I know it might do me some good in the long run, but at this stage of the game all it feels like is opening old wounds."

"Old wounds? I thought you were dealing with recent events."

"Apparently it all ties in." Mac shrugged. "Don't ask me. If I knew how to do this myself, I wouldn't need to go to her. She took mercy on me and let me out a little early, but not without homework."

"Homework?"

"Yeah, I'm supposed to do three things before I go back on Friday."

"What's that?"

"I'm supposed to satisfy one of my small goals, face one of my fears, and laugh at least once."

Harm raised his eyebrows.

"I know," Mac said in response to his expression. "Sounds odd, but she told me that all I really need to do is learn how to live a healthy life. Living life is about satisfying goals, facing fears, and being happy. At least that's what it's supposed to be anyway. My life hasn't always gone the way it's supposed to."

"I don't think anyone's has. But, you'll get there."

"I hope so." She paused and took a long pull from her super sized Coke. "So anyway, I decided to take my assignments and do them all at once."

"How are you going to do that?"

"I came here."

Despite Mac's light tone, Harm frowned. They turned back toward the game and watched as Mattie's team won the final round. When everyone stood up to leave the bleachers, Harm stayed behind, and put a hand on Mac's arm. His expression was a mixture of hurt and concern. "You're facing your fear just by sitting next to me aren't you?"

"Yes," Mac replied softly, wondering how he knew about the fear he evoked in her.

"Why?"

"I don't know Harm. I hope that someday I'll find out," She told him, sadness settling in her eyes.

"I hope so too," He replied, taking a deep breath. "Hey, this isn't making you laugh, you're supposed to laugh tonight."

Mac's eyes brightened, thankful for the subject change. "Oh I laughed already."

"When?"

"When I saw the look on your face when you saw what I was wearing."

Harm grinned. "It's a nice outfit."

Mac rolled her eyes. "You're the only one who has ever thought so."

Harm's grin softened. "Is that why you wore it?"

"Yes," Mac answered. Her cheeks turning a lovely shade of pink.

"Thanks." He paused, gesturing toward the concession stand. "Besides, I'm not the only one who likes it. Did you see that boy at the concession stand?"

"That's enough Harm!" Mac warned. "He's just a kid."

"A kid who knows a good thing when he sees it." He winked at her. Mac couldn't help but laugh out loud. "Now there's the laugh I was looking for," He said, with a smile that still didn't quite light up his face.

Mac's laugh dwindled to a chuckle. "Behave yourself!" She said, and smacked Harm on the six. His eyes widened in surprise and his head whipped around to look at her. She just laughed harder. "Another goal accomplished." She said, just loud enough for him to hear her, as she walked towards Mattie.

TBC


	9. Laden with guilt

The week after the Volleyball game was hectic and stressful. Harm and Mac had barely had time to speak, and when they did it was cut short by the weight of the workload. Every so often, when there was a brief lull in the rat race, Mac could feel Harm watching her. She would raise her head in time to see him give her a smile of warm encouragement. Inevitably before she could respond, his attention would be drawn elsewhere. She'd sigh and go back to work, feeling a little bit calmer, a little bit warmer each time he threw her a smile. And yet, after the warmth and calm subsided she'd always, without fail, fall into a state of unease. A sea of endless questions, second guesses, and extreme guilt would plague her throughout the day.

What was she doing to him? Sucking the life out of him, like she had done with every other man before. That's what she was doing to him. She should be able to do this on her own, regardless of his insistence that she shouldn't have to. She shouldn't have to need him. She didn't have the right to need him. In the end, when her open wounds became distant scars, the person who would be the most hurt would be him. Sarah Mackenzie wreaked havoc on every man she ever had. And now she was about to do it to Harm. Damn his sense of honor, damn his friendship, damn his obvious love for her. Regardless of his strength, there was a place in his heart that was fragile, vulnerable. She'd seen herself almost destroy it once before. She had the power to do it again, and that scared the living hell out of her. No wonder she was afraid to even sit next to him for any length of time.

She wanted to back away. To tell him to run for the hills and never look back, but she couldn't. Even as she hung her head in shame for her selfishness, she couldn't deny her need for him, or the reality that backing away from him would hurt him even worse. He wanted to be there, as much as she wanted him to be there. She couldn't deny her heart. That heart would have to trust him.

His smile, like the eye of the storm, would haunt her until the next morning, when she would miraculously forget her state of unease, and crave another dose of Harmon Rabb Jr.

Some mornings they would stand and talk in the break room like neither of them had ever heard the name Sadik Fahd, and other mornings she would come to his office before she'd even had her coffee. Needing to see him, needing his strength. She'd throw her arms around him and cling to him for dear life. He'd hold her until she pulled away, ask simply if she was okay, and then tell her he was there if she'd like to talk. She'd say 'thank you' and then get to work. Like clockwork a few hours later, after the euphoria of being in his arms would wear off, the wave of guilt would come, and she would avoid seeing him. And the cycle would go on, rinse, repeat.

She wondered how difficult it was for him to sit quietly and wait for her to come to him. She also wondered if he privately took his frustrations out in other ways, but halted that train of thought as soon as it started when visions of every blonde she'd ever seen look Harm's way, began to careen through her head. It was safe to say that the whole week had been one big whirlwind of confusion. By Friday Mac was frazzled.

"Care for something to drink?" Mac looked up to see Harm standing in the doorway of her office. He walked in and kicked the door closed, setting two mugs in front of her. One full of coffee, the other full of hot chocolate. "Wasn't sure which one you would need today."

"I'm not sure either," She replied. After contemplating for a few moments, she picked up the mug of hot chocolate.

"Don't you have an appointment in an hour?"

Mac nodded. "Yeah, I guess I do."

"You are going to your appointment, aren't you?" He asked in concern.

Mac nodded again, this time wearily. "Yeah, I have to. I missed the one on Wednesday."

"Mac…"

"I was busy Harm, we all were."

"I know we were, but nothing is more important than getting you healthy."

"Harm, millions of things are more important…"

"Not to me," He said in a firm voice. "I've been patient with you, even when I didn't have any idea what was going on in your head, because I promised to give you whatever you needed from me. But I won't be patient with you missing your appointments."

Mac's eyes flashed. "Who are you to tell me what to do?"

"The man who loves you," He told her plainly. "And I'm not about to let you flounder. I don't know how to help you with this, but I'm going to make sure that you go to someone who does."

Mac was silent for a long moment. He'd told her he loved her, plain as day, without even flinching. "Okay, I can live with that," She replied. "But I reserve the right to do the same with you when and where I see fit."

He agreed, knowing her need for equal power. "Of course. I'm going to go now, before you aren't able to look me in the eye anymore."

Mac sighed, he had noticed. "Harm, I don't mean to…"

"I know Mac. I just wish I knew why I have that effect on you."

"So do I."

He paused in the doorway. "Has it ever been like this before?"

"No."

He pursed his lips, and gave her a nod, before he closed the door behind him and made his way back to his office.

She buried her head in her hands.

TBC...


	10. Addicted to love

0130 Saturday morning

Harm drowsily turned over in bed, stirred by the slight movement of the mattress on the opposite side, and came into contact with the fit, supple form of Sarah Mackenzie sliding toward him. He didn't hesitate, didn't question, just simply rolled toward her, gathering her to him, even as she moved to snuggle in to the wall of his chest. Her skin was warm, her hair still damp against his arm. She smelled like bath salts, and clean, and woman. He felt her deflate against him, as she heaved a satisfied sigh that was years in the making, and dropped rapidly into the oblivion of sleep. She clung to him as she dreamt the dreams of the soul tired. He doubted she would remember any of the scenes playing out behind her eyes. Despite the fact that she frequently murmured troubled phrases as they unfolded. He'd listened closely when she spoke, hoping to gain some clues into her particular brand of hell, but he couldn't. The only word that she had spoken clearly was his name. When she'd called for him, he'd held her tighter, and spoken gentle reassurances in her ear. Inevitably she'd relax, and fall back into the abyss.

0445 Saturday morning

Mac stirred and shivered in the cool air of his apartment. Instinctively she reached for the warmth of the man who had lain against her all night long, but he wasn't there. She cocked one eye open, mentally noting the time. She looked down to see that she had kicked the covers off of her torso, accounting for the chill on her skin. She debated between finding Harm, and snuggling back down under the bedding and going back to sleep. Her stomach made the decision for her. She hadn't put anything in it since the mug of hot chocolate that he had brought into her office. Sighing she kicked the covers off and went to find Harm. She was surprised when she saw him sitting on the couch softly playing the guitar.

"Hey, why are you up?"

"Couldn't sleep. Your food's on a plate in the fridge," He told her without missing a beat.

"Thanks," She said, stepping down into the room. "I'm sorry I couldn't make it for dinner."

He simply nodded and kept playing. Mac sighed. Five minutes later she was sitting on the chair in his living room with her plate in her lap, eating slowly.

"I didn't mean to drive you to the guitar," She said, gesturing to the instrument resting against his thigh.

"Why didn't you call after your appointment?"

"I needed to sort things out before I shared them." He acknowledged her, but continued to play quietly. Mac put her plate on the table and took the guitar from him, setting it back in the stand. She returned to her seat and began eating again. "Harm, what do you know about reconditioning a screwed up mind?"

"It's even harder than it sounds," He deadpanned.

"Yeah it is," Mac agreed solemnly. "We had a long session today. A difficult one on every level. At one point I almost stood up and got the hell out of there, but something made me stay."

"The need to get past it all?"

"Probably. Either way, it was a good thing I did because I figured out something that I need to do."

Harm sat foreword, she had his full attention. "What's that?"

"I need to break myself of my addiction to you."

"Your addiction to me?"

"I know it sounds strange, but hear me out."

He gestured to her to continue.

She licked her lips, and took a deep breath. "I have a very addictive personality. That's been obvious since I was a kid. With various 12 step, and rehabilitation programs I have been able to beat alcohol, and a few other vices that I've had. But, even when my chemical dependency wasn't an issue anymore, I've always had a difficult time letting go of my addictive behavior. That's why Uncle Matt encouraged me to join the Marines, he said it would keep me focused. It would break my cycle of abuse."

"It worked didn't it?"

"Yeah, it did, but once again I went from one addictive behavior to the other. Once I joined the Corps I wrapped myself in it. Instead of drowning in a bottle, I was drowning in a sea of rules and regulations and honor codes. A much better thing to bury myself in to be sure, but it doesn't change the fact that I was burying myself."

She cocked her head to the side, and stared unseeing at a point beyond his head. "I've never really seen who Sarah Mackenzie is. Not the Marine, not the attorney, but just…Sarah." After a long moment, she brought herself back from introspection, and continued. "I was content to be defined by being a Marine, and an attorney, until 8 years ago when I got a new partner." She looked him in the eye, and gave him a small smile. "You have no idea what kind of impact you had on me. From the moment I met you, I wanted to know more, I wanted to see more of you. I loved being your partner. I loved the way you challenged me. So, like addictive people do, I latched on to that feeling and ran with it, always wanting and needing more. And it grew, until whether I had a good day depended on whether you would walk through the door." She paused, "And until, love of being with you and being your partner turned into just plain loving you."

Harm's expression warmed. When she met his eyes again, he saw it. A myriad of colorful emotions, flashing through her eyes like the day burning to death in the ever-lowering sunset. He didn't have to wonder for long what had put that expression on her face.

"I can't possibly tell you what it did to me when you changed your designator," She said in voice thick with emotion.

"I'm so sorry," He told her sincerely.

"Don't be. It's not your fault that I had to be near you to even function properly. It shouldn't have hit me that hard. We're in the military, people move around all the time. I should have been able to roll with it, but I couldn't. Do you know why?"

"No."

"Because it was then that I realized that my happiness depended on you, and you weren't always going to be there." She paused and clenched her jaw, reining in her emotions. "It was the first taste of what losing you would do to me."

"That's why you stayed away." It was a statement.

"Yes. I tried one last time to get close to you on the ferry, but you weren't ready. I knew then that I could never really have you. So I gave up trying. That didn't stop me from wanting you though."

"I'm sorry."

"I know."

"And Brumby, how did he fit in to all of this?"

"He was my distraction, something to keep me from in indulging in my addiction. I know that sounds terrible, but it's nothing I would consciously do. In my logical mind I believed that I was just moving on and trying to find a good man like every other woman. I know now that's not true. Because we both know that try as I might, I have never been able to really let go of you."

"Nor I of you," He said quietly.

Mac lowered her eyelashes, in shy acceptance of his statement, then went on. "When things fell apart with Mic, and you turned me away at the door, I was so angry. Angry at Mic for walking out and taking my distraction away, angry at you for pulling away when I needed you, and angry at myself for being so dependent on you. When I went TAD, I went to 'dry myself out'. I was determined, when I got home, to not need you anymore, to stand on my own two feet. But you showed up, and I found myself begging you for answers. Searching for a way to cling to my addiction. Of course you couldn't give that to me at that time, and I walked away more angry than ever."

She sighed. "I was able to get closer to you after that, but never as close as I was before you left. I'd get close enough to satisfy my craving for you, and far enough to pull back if I started to become too dependent, or worse if I started to worry that I would hurt you in some way. I'm sure you've recognized the pattern, especially this last week."

Harm nodded.

She ran a hand through her hair. "I was able to maintain the distance until you showed up in Paraguay. I had been away from you for so long, and I wanted to get out of there. And…well, you know what I was thinking then. In the hotel room I once again hoped that you would give me a reason to just give in to my dependence on you and quit fighting it, but you didn't. I thought the least that would happen, is you would get your job back and we could go back to being somewhere in between. But that didn't happen. I was without you again, this time of my own doing, and I could hardly stand it. I left message after message, trying to bring you back to me, so that I could…breathe again."

Mac's eyes teared up and Harm held up his hand. "We don't have to go through all of this again. Just give me a minute to think."

Mac nodded, grateful for the break.

He began in a slow, cautious voice. "I don't pretend to understand what it is to have a chemical addiction. Nor do I know whether or not to be flattered by your "dependence" on me. It seems it's caused you more pain than anything else. " He paused, gathering his thoughts, and then he shook his head in an effort to clear it. "I never knew I was an addict."

She frowned. "You're not."

"Mac, if what you described to me is addiction. Then I've had it for years only in the reverse."

Her eyes widened in flattered surprise. Harm continued. "Have you talked about this with your therapist?"

"No, I thought of it on the way home from my session."

"Well, I'm no expert, but I do have a theory."

"Oh yeah, what's that?"

"I don't think you're addicted to me at all." Mac raised her eyebrows, but Harm held up his hand. "Please let me finish. I get what you're saying, and I think I understand what you've told me. Actually, it explains a lot about what was going on in your head. But, at the risk of sounding arrogant, I don't think you became addicted to me, I just think you fell in love with me." He stopped for a moment, trying to put his thoughts to words. "And I think, sometimes, it's difficult for a person who has gone through so much to correctly identify the true origin of their feelings."

She took a minute to contemplate what he'd said. "So you think that I have mistaken love for addiction?"

"Well you've never been lucky at love."

Mac sat back, stung. "Thanks, that's a really nice thing to throw in my face."

"I mean it Mac. There's no reason a woman as beautiful and intelligent as you should have had such a hard time giving and accepting love."

"Thanks. I think." She said wryly. "So you think that I back away from love because it…feels like addiction."

"Yes, and addiction is your monster in the closet." He paused and she saw him switch into lawyer mode. "Let's look at this logically. You've fought addiction your whole life. Quite valiantly, I might add. The most basic element of addiction is dependence. Anything that makes you feel too dependent or needy gets lumped in with addiction in your mind. And you refuse to get close to anything that even resembles addiction. You won't allow yourself to need anything, even if that need is love."

'No wonder he was so good in the court room'. Mac leaned her head back on the top of the couch, contemplating. Had her vigilance in fighting her addiction actually turned her every need into a weakness? Had her need for control truly been born of fear of slipping back into the pit of addiction? Yes, she thought, on both counts. "I didn't plan on falling in love with you." She said staring at the ceiling. "In fact everything about you was a complete surprise to me. I wasn't prepared. I didn't have a guideline, or a mission plan, so I went on the defensive without even realizing it." She sat up. "Damn. Have I always been such a control freak?"

Harm met her gaze. "Last time you lost control in your world someone died."

She gave a slight nod, but was silent for a long time. "I need time to think about all of this."

"I can understand that, but I want you to promise me something."

"I'll come to you if I need anything, I promise."

He smiled. "Well, that too. But that's not what I was going to say. I want you to promise that you'll talk to your therapist about this," He said, gesturing between them. "She will be able to give you better insight than I can."

"Oh, I think you did pretty good."

"Even so, I want you to tell her about it." He reached out and took her hand. For a moment he just held it.

Mac cocked her head to the side. "Harm what is it?"

She swallowed hard at the look of resignation on his face.

"I want to be with you Mac…"

"But…" She prodded quietly.

"There is no 'but', I want to be with you, plain and simple."

"Then why do you look like you're about to cut off my right arm?"

His expression softened, but the pained look didn't fade. "I'm not, believe me. I just want you to be happy. I want to be the one to make you happy. If…if it's not healthy for you to be with me…"

Mac's features hardened. "Don't. Don't you dare say it. When it comes to you, I follow my heart, not what some therapist is going to say. It's my heart that's screwed up, but that's not your doing. And even if I am addicted to you, I will find a way to make it a healthy addiction." She leaned forward. "That's what we have to do Harm. We have to make this thing between us into something healthy."

"How do we do that Mac? I want you to come to me. I want to go through everything with you, but I just…How do we do this?"

"I really don't know, but I want to try."

"So do I." He hesitated, then continued. "Mac nothing has ever been healthy or normal between us. We both know why. This is uncharted territory." He looked away. "I'm trying to be supportive but I don't know how much more I can take, not knowing how you're going to react to me when I come into the room."

"Harm, I'm sorry…"

"It's okay. I know you're struggling." He stopped and ran a hand through his hair. "I know you're scared of hurting me, but I want you to focus on yourself." He leaned forward and touched her arm. "I want you to make an appointment tomorrow."

"Okay, I will." She took a deep breath and then stood. "It's almost dawn, I better get going."

He caught her hand. "Mac, don't go yet. Not yet. It's still dark. Let's go back to bed."

She hesitated for a long moment, and then simply nodded. They moved slowly up to his room, and fell back into bed. Harm wrapped his body around her, and held on tight. She pressed into his chest, and long after she thought he was asleep, she softly began to weep.

He woke up alone.

TBC...


	11. Setting out on the journey

**On the pillow next to his, a note was lying in the impression where her head had been. **

'Harm,  
I came to a decision last night. I requested full medical leave. I already talked to the Admiral, and my therapist, they approved it. I'm going away. Don't know for how long. I'll see you before I go.  
Always,  
Mac'

He stared unseeing at the note, his heart beating a punishing rhythm in his chest. She was leaving. Running away again. And he didn't have a clue how to stop her.

3 Hours later she showed up at his door. She was dressed to travel. On her face was a small nervous smile.

"Can I come in?"

He didn't verbally respond, but opened the door wider so she could walk through.

They stood in nervous silence for a long moment, and then Mac spoke. "I'm not running away," She stated emphatically.

"I didn't say you were."

"You didn't have to. Can we sit down?"

He nodded. To his surprise, she took his hand and laid a small kiss on it. If her goal was to diffuse his doubts, it wasn't working.

"There are a few things I need to make perfectly clear."

"Okay."

"I'm not running, I'm not backing away, and I'm NOT ever letting go of you."

He let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding. "What are you doing Mac?"

"I'm going to get to know myself."

"Know yourself?"

She nodded. "I need to find out who I am, as a person, not a Marine or a Judge Advocate, but just a woman."

"And you have to go away to do that?"

"Yes."

"Does this have to do with me?"

"Yes." Harm pursed his lips. She stroked his hand with her fingers. "Please don't be hurt by that. If I'm going to find out who I am, I can't be focusing on anyone else. All you have to do is be in the room with me, and I focus on you. I know you want to fix this for me, but you can't. No one can."

"No one but you," He said, as understanding dawned.

"No one but me." She paused. "I talked to my therapist this morning. I was able to catch her early and we talked for a long time about the conversation you and I had last night. She agreed that I may be 'bringing the scars from battling addiction, into my current situation', that's how she put it anyway. I told her I need to get away so I can focus, she agreed as long as I check in with her and continue our sessions by phone."

Harm nodded, grateful that she wasn't shouldering this on her own. "When are you leaving?"

"My flight is in 3 hours."

His eyes flew to hers. "That soon?"

"Yes."

He paused and took a deep breath. When he spoke again, there was a hint of fear in his voice. "I know I made you promise to include me in everything that's happening, but I'm understanding now, that I can't help you. I can't tell you who you are, or what you need to do to make things better. Honestly, that scares the hell out of me." He lifted her chin so he could look her in the eye. "Go away Mac. Go find your smile. Do whatever you need to do. If it will help you to come to me, then please do, but if not, I understand. I'll be here, no matter what." 

Mac squeezed his hand and gave him a small smile. "As long as it takes?"

"As long as it takes."

Her face showed profound relief. "I need you in my life Harm."

"And I need you."

She bit her lip, even as she nodded in acknowledgement. After a moment she said, "I may be gone for a while. Being here, it's…it's not working for me."

She saw him nod in her peripheral vision. "I…I don't want you to think that I'm leaving you."

"I know you're not leaving me Mac."

"Good." She looked away for a long moment. "This scares me Harm. I know I need to do it, but it still scares me."

"What are you scared of Mac?"

"Looking in the mirror and not liking what I see. What if I turn out to be someone I don't want to be? Or…someone you don't want me to be."

"You're already everything I need you to be. I know you, even if you don't."

"How is that possible?"

"Because I've seen the things you have already done. It was Sarah Mackenzie, the woman, who gave me sanctuary when I broke out of the brig, who defended me with everything she had, who followed me to Russia just to make sure I didn't go off half cocked and get myself killed, who found me while I was drifting in the middle of the ocean, who held me while I wept when Bud was in surgery." He leaned forward and touched her cheek with the tip of his finger. "That's who you are to me, and that's all I need to know, Mac. Everything else is just details."

She smiled then, and lifted his hand to her cheek. 

"I'm going to miss you Harm."

"I'm going to miss you too Sarah."

20 minutes later she walked out the door.

He had given her a hopeful smile, and sent up a prayer that she would be all right.

**TBC…**


	12. Coming Home

**She was gone for 5 long weeks. **

She'd called him at least once a week, if for no other reason than to tell him that she was okay. Sometimes they would talk for a long time, and sometimes the call would only last a minute. Twice he had offered to fly 'Sarah' out to where she was, and meet up with her. Both times she had declined.

He understood her need to work things out on her own, but that didn't stop him from missing her. From what he had gathered she had gone to several different places in different parts of the country, staying only a few days in each place. She'd told him she was trying to look at things through different eyes. He wasn't sure exactly what she meant by that, but he didn't care. He only hoped whatever she was doing, for whatever reasons; it would bring her home to him safe and healthy. On her last call she told him that she wouldn't be talking to him again until she was home. Where she was going, she would be unreachable. When he asked if she knew how long that would be, she told him 'no.' Then she quietly told him she loved him, and before he could respond, the line went dead.

Mac sat perfectly still on a blanket at the edge of the campfire. Holding a bottle of clear, intoxicating liquid in her hands. The fire gleamed brightly through the glass. Casting distorted angles of shape and shadow on her skin. Her eyes were fixed on the light, her vision warped by the tears that streamed down her face. That bottle had held so many of her dreams. Like Pandora's box, once opened, the power of it sucked everything she was inside it. Drowning all of her potential into the bargain, no matter how she gasped and fought and floundered against it. Those dreams were gone now. Dead. Buried with a friend, whom, she had never really let herself mourn. Every hope she'd ever had, had settled on the bottom of the bottle like thick grimy sediment. She had tried to get them back so many times over the years, to hold on to them, but it was futile. Her eyes took on a look of determination, of realization, of acceptance. Those hopes and dreams didn't define her anymore. That bottle and the destruction it brought, didn't own her any longer. She was her own woman. It was time to hope for something more. She stood, and walked over to the edge of the cliff. Staring down at the black shadows of the valley below, her face contorted with regret, with pain, and finally with triumph. She closed her eyes, threw back her head, and roared a song of victory, as her hands tightened on the neck of the bottle, and she shattered it against the sheer black rock of the cliff.

Her journey was complete.

Harm was sitting in nothing but a pair of athletic shorts, flicking playing cards, one by one, into a large wooden bowl, when the knock sounded at the door. His heart leapt to his throat. He knew without a doubt who was standing on the other side. It took him less than a second to be up and heading toward the door. When he opened it, their eyes met, and they both stood frozen.

**TBC…**


	13. Declarations

Then she threw her arms around him, and held on for dear life. She didn't loosen her hold, but moved her lips close to his ear and began to speak. "I like to ride motorcycles. I like to body surf. I like to put Tabasco sauce on my scrambled eggs. I like the smell of fresh rain on the hot sidewalk. I like to race dune buggies. I like to stand by the ocean at midnight and listen to the waves. I like a fresh bouquet of Orchids and June Lilies." He felt her shift. "When I'm mad, I lash out. When I'm happy, I keep it in and save it up. I don't trust anything on first glance. When I get frustrated my common sense disappears. When I feel something deeply I hold onto it, even if it's pain." Her voice dropped. "When I fell in love with you, I fell hard, and I still have bruises from it." She pulled back and looked him in the eye. "That's what I've found out so far. I haven't nearly learned everything there is to know about myself, but I've made a good start."

He touched her face. "Mac," He whispered, his eyes filled with questions and longing. "Are you home for good?"

She grinned up at him. "I'm home for good."

He closed his eyes, and all the air bled from his lungs in one heavy whoosh. And then he was kissing her. Good, and full and deep. She responded in kind. They held on, and drowned in each other. Mac clung to him, and silently vowed never to let go. Her next coherent thought was of them falling into bed together. Harm's hand cupped the back of her head, as it hit the mattress, and then he kissed her again. They moved smoothly together, and with ease and without reserve, they made love.

Mac pressed his body down into the mattress, laced her fingers through his and held his hands captive. Then she opened her heart to him. Her voice was soft, and sincere. "I found out a lot of things about myself while I was gone. I hope some day to share them all with you. Most of all I found that the things that are most important about me as a woman are the things I already knew, but I just didn't see. The things I want most in my life, are the things I want with you." She paused. "Not as a JAG partner, or a friend, or a Marine, but as a woman. I want to know what it's like to sit with you in a hot bath and just talk about our day. I want to come home and kiss you hello when I've only gone down the hall to get the mail. I want to make love to you by the light of a Christmas tree. I want to feel strong just knowing that you'll always be there when I need you. I want you to feel strong because of me." She leaned down and softly kissed his swollen mouth. "I want a life with you. That's what the woman in me wants the most." She stopped and looked at him. Waiting for a response. She didn't have to wait long.

Harm grinned and rolled them onto their sides. "Do you want a long engagement, or a short engagement?"

Mac let out a laugh. "Is that supposed to be some sort of proposal?"

"I thought you just proposed."

Mac frowned. "I guess I did, didn't I."

"Well?"

"Well, what?"

"Do you want a long engagement or a short engagement?"

She pretended to think for a moment. "Well it's close to 1800 now. Would sunset tomorrow work for you?"

Harm laughed. "I think I can handle that, if it's what you really want."

"I just want you."

His smile softened. "You've got me," He told her, and then settled in and held her close. "Tell me about this wedding we're going to have tomorrow."

She grinned and began to tell him all the things she wanted for their wedding, right down to the dress and flowers she wanted. She knew it wasn't realistic, no one could plan and execute a wedding in the space of a day, but this was fantasy, so she pulled out all the stops.

Harm listened with amused interested, committed everything to memory, and made some calculations. It was doable.

When Mac's eyes closed, and she snuggled down into his chest to sleep, he kissed her, rolled her on her back, and went to make her dream come true.

TBC...


	14. Planning for a dream

He left her a brief note, telling her he went to check on Mattie. It wasn't a total lie, he was at Mattie's apartment, but he was on the phone with his mother, almost the whole time. While Mattie and Jen were both on separate cell phones, informing the people at JAG of their impending trip. No one batted an eye. They just asked where and when they needed to show up, and what they could do to help.

In the space of two hours, he had secured two Corporate Jets from Frank Burnett, one for the guests and one for he and Mac. They were to take red eye flights to California that night. He had ordered the flowers, the ring, which was to be delivered to his mother's house the next day, and booked the band. The wedding was to be on a private cliff overlooking the ocean, at Sunset the next day, just as Mac had described. She couldn't have known that Harm's parent's estate was the ideal place, but this time luck was on her side. His mother had insisted on hosting the reception as well, and he left the planning of it to her. He told her Mac's only stipulation was that there had to be dancing, lots and lots of dancing. It was to be a small affair, only very close friends and family. He had his dress whites to wear, the only thing that could possibly cause a glitch was finding Mac's dress. He enlisted Harriet's help on that one. She agreed to go shopping the next morning with Mac, to find a dress. 

He looked over the list one last time. Transportation. Check. Location. Check. Flowers. Check. Minister. Check. Band. Check. Cake. Check. Ring. Check. Honeymoon. Hmmm…Honeymoon, Mac hadn't gotten in to that portion of it. There might be complications there. Harm picked up his cell and said "Chegwidden" into the receiver. AJ answered on the second ring.

"Hello Commander, I hear congratulations are in order."

"Thank you Sir. That's what I'm calling about. I'd like to know how much leave I have on the books, and if it's possible to take it now."

"This is happening awfully quickly don't you think?"

"No sir, I think it's way over due."

He could hear AJ smiling into the phone. "Any particular reason you're rushing this Harm?"

"It's not what you're thinking," He replied. 

"And what exactly am I thinking?"

Harm didn't directly answer the question. "AJ," He said, his voice indicating that he was talking to him as a man, and not just a CO. "Mac has waited long enough for a commitment from me. It's time she gets what she wants without me telling her 'not yet.'"

AJ understood. "Well in that case…Mac is still on medical leave, and we've been pretty busy, but I think you may have a Honeymoon's worth of leave on the books."

"Thank you Sir," He replied with sincerity.

"If you screw this up…" AJ let the threat hang.

"That's not going to happen."

"Good. Now go see to Mac. I'll see you tomorrow morning."

"Thank you."

"Anytime."

They hung up, and Harm sat, contemplating for a moment before he made one last phone call. "Hello Frank. I need one more favor…"

20 minutes later Harm walked back into his apartment, and smiled. Mac was sitting on his bed, stark naked reading a book. She looked up when he came in, set the book aside, and frowned.

"Where were you?"

"I was at Mattie's."

She folded her arms across her chest. "Then how come no one answered the phone there?"

"You'll find out soon enough." He told her, and sat next to her on the bed. Before she could protest, he leaned in and kissed her. "I love you."

She blushed, and gave him a shy smile. Still not used to him saying the words. "I love you too."

She kissed him again, but before the kiss could escalate, he pulled back and stood up. "We have a lot to do, and little time to do it. Let's go."

Mac frowned. "Where are we going?"

"Your place."

"Why?"

"To pack."

"Pack?"

"Yes," He said, as started to move away.

"But I just got home." She caught his arm. "Harm, what's going on?"

"I thought you wanted to marry me tomorrow," He said, giving her a pointed look.

Her eyes grew huge. "You didn't."

"I did."

"But…what about…?"

"It's all taken care of."

"But…The admiral, and…"

"Taken care of."

She paused, searching his face; a hint of hurt shaded her eyes. "Why are you doing this Harm? Are you afraid I'll run again?"

At that he sat down next to her and cupped her cheek in his hand. "The thought never crossed my mind."

"Then why…?"

He looked her in the eye. "Because, for once in your life, you deserve to have something go exactly the way you want it, exactly when you want it. No more waiting for me or anyone else. I want to be the one to give that to you Mac."

She launched herself at him, wrapping her arms around his neck. She held him for a long moment before she could speak again without choking up.

"Where are we going?"

"California." He replied. And simply, stood and offered his hand to her. She took it, and got up to get dressed.

TBC...


	15. A Wedding At Sunset

**Next day 10 minutes before Sunset**

Everything looked perfect. Just as Mac had described. An isle was formed between two sets of white chairs that looked out over the ocean. It was lined with pots full of Orchids and June lilies. The lowering sun was orange against the water. Harm stood to the side of the path waiting for Mac to appear in front of him. When she did he had to fight to keep his legs steady. She was an absolute vision. Her dress was beautiful, but it was the smile she gave him that took his breath away. She met him at the entrance of the center isle, where he whispered to her "You look amazing." Then offered her his arm. She accepted it with a loving smile, and they slowly walked up together, past all their friends and family to where the Minister was standing near the edge of the cliff.

A light, warm breeze began to blow as the Minister spoke a few words about the value of marriage. Said a short prayer, and then it was time for the vows. They decided to write their own. Mac was the first to pledge her love.

She took his hand before she began to speak. "This moment has been subject of many of my dreams. I never imagined we'd really be standing here." She paused gathering her composure. "I love you Harm. My heart doesn't know how to beat without you. You are truly my other half. And I promise to always love you. To always be faithful to you. To cherish every moment I have with you. To always have your back. While there is breath in my body, I am yours." 

She raised his hand to her lips, and kissed his ring finger before she slid the wedding ring into place.

He smiled at her in acceptance of her vows to him, before he began to speak in a low endearing voice.

"I love you. You are by far the most beautiful person I have ever known in my life. And why you've chosen to spend your life with me, I'll never understand, but I am eternally grateful. Your battles are my battles. Your happiness is my happiness." He paused and raised her hand to rest against his heart. "On my honor, my home is yours, my body is yours, my heart is yours. Until the moment of my death." He lifted her hand to his lips, and kissed her ring finger in a mimic of what she had done to him. "Semper Fidelis," He whispered, as he slid the ring onto her finger.

They smiled at each other, their eyes locked, as the minister said the final words of the ceremony. "By the power vested in me by almighty God, and the state of California, I now pronounce you, married."

Their smiles broadened and then faded, as they met each other halfway. Her arms wrapped around his neck, as he hugged her around the waist. He lifted her off the ground, as their mouths met in a hungry, satisfying kiss that was 9 years in the making. The crowd cheered.

The reception was held on the cobblestone, pillared lanai by the pool at the Burnett estate. Tiki torches burned all around them. Music filled the air. The food was plentiful, and excellent. It was everything Mac had wanted.

She toyed with the collar of his dress whites while they swayed on the dance floor. "This was just perfect Harm, I don't know how to thank you."

He smirked. "I'm sure you can come up with something creative."

She chuckled, and cuffed him on the shoulder. Then her expression changed and loved welled up in her eyes. "I mean it. Thank you so much."

He put his hands on the sides of her face. "You deserve it. You deserve to have everything you want, without uncertainty, or complications."

"And who is going to make this miracle happen? You?"

He pulled back. "I'm going to do my best."

She smiled. "So am I." 

They began swaying again to the music.

"You're not the only one whose dream came true today Mac. Thank you."

Her answer was a kiss. 

2 days later

Harm woke up alone in the large bed in the Master bedroom of the yacht that Frank had lent them for their honeymoon. He checked the time, 0245. Slowly he swung his legs over the edge of the bed, and went looking for Mac. 

**  
He found her standing by the railing, looking out over the ocean. Her sheer silk nightgown glowed in the moonlight. A gentle breeze blew the fabric around her. A soft silver ethereal light outlined every curve in her body. He caught his breath at the beauty of her.**

She didn't turn as he approached. He lay a hand on her shoulder, and felt her trembling. His heart leapt to his throat. "Mac, what's wrong?"

She ducked her head, and wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand. She didn't answer him, only reached back, and took his hands, wrapping them around her waist. He obliged, moving close to hold her against him. The last few days had been like a dream, but her obvious distress brought it home to him, how many demons they still had to exorcise. Reality seemed to be creeping in, reminding them both with blinding clarity just how far they still had to go.

She leaned back against his shoulder. "It's beautiful out here isn't it."

"Yes it is."

He felt more than saw her eyes well up again. "I don't remember the last time I saw anything that was truly beautiful." She turned her face toward his neck. "Besides you."

He kissed the side of her face. "Everything's going to be alright."

"I miss it Harm. I miss living life." She paused and swiped at her eyes. "I've been adrift for so long, I don't know if I even know how to get it all back."

"Everything's different now Mac. You're not alone anymore."

She turned in his arms. "I know that Harm. That's part of the problem. Everything changed before I could even get back into the swing of things, and I don't know how to…keep it good."

Harm's brow furrowed. "Am I hearing second thoughts?"

Mac shook her head emphatically. "No." She paused looking him in the eye. "I love you. My world became beautiful again the moment we came together, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't scare the hell out of me." She hesitated, and turned back toward the water again. "I just wish everything would stay the way it is now. And I know it won't."

"Mac, I don't care how anything changes, as long you still love me." He felt her catch her breath, and he turned her back around to face him. "Life is unpredictable. Especially for us. It's never going to be perfect. The only thing I can promise you, is that I'll love you, no matter what happens. The rest we're just going to have to roll with."

"It's not going to be easy," She said.

"The best things never are," He replied.

"I may lash out sometimes," She said.

"And I may fall apart. If you'll watch my six, I'll watch yours," He replied.

She smiled. Fresh out of arguments. "I guess this is going to work after all."

He grinned back. "It better. We're already married."

Her smiled widened, and she moved closer to him. "We are, aren't we." Her hands smoothed over his bare chest. "I've had enough of crying at the ocean, why don't we go back in and start living a little."

At that, he kissed her. "Sounds like a plan," He said against her lips. And they walked together back in to the cabin.

The End.


End file.
